It’s about my future life decisions.
I want to move to Europe. I know that, firmly. It is an ultimate goal of mine.
I used to think that I have left a lot of things behind me already, that I must have been so used to this process and my heart is cold and strong enough to take some more. I am wrong, I am not ready, not at all.
I felt just fine when we were with other people, it felt like just another hang out and pass-time. But when I was with my grandparents alone, my heart gradually filled up with sadness and guiltiness. They have looked after me when I was very little, and have been living with my family until I started my university. They have given me everything, their love, their time, their enjoyment of life, and now they are tired and sick in their own places, having to face all kinds of problems all on their own cause they don’t want to bother all the other relatives here. And I am not even able to visit them more often, there’s so much I should thank them for, yet there’s little time for me to make it up.
There’s a saying in ancient Chinese which is, the trees want to remain calm but the wind won’t stop, the son wants to pay back the favor but his parents have already passed away. I think I am right in this kind of situation.
But I don’t want to take the step back. I don’t want to give up my dream just because I felt sorry for my grandparents and maybe in the future for my parents as well. I don’t want to follow the path they have expected me to follow, I don’t want to fall into the path of any people I know. They might like the future they have planed for me, but I definitely don’t. I want to create something on my own, for myself, only for myself.
While I was chatting with my friends the other day, I said that, most of my current decisions are made solely for my own happiness, that I am only willing to do things I like, not taking any other people’s opinions or feelings into account. My decisions affect people around me, I am aware of that, but I guess that I don’t care that much, or that I am too tired to put any other people in front of my own decisions any more. I just do whatever I want and let the rest happen as it should be.
Letting it go, letting a lot of things go.